Grief Balance

balance 3

My youngest son will be sixteen in a couple of weeks.  He has his driver’s permit, achieving good grades, and playing lacrosse for his high school.   When I looked at him this week, I became extremely melancholy.  In the back of my mind, I do the math.  In six months it will be sixteen years since his dad died.

Where has the time gone?

Time stood still the first couple of years after Scott’s death.  I tried to hurry up the grief process so I would not feel so lousy all the time.  Guess what?  There is no shortcut for grief.  It is woven in my being forever.  It is as much a part of who I am as being a wife, mother, daughter, and sister.  I have learned over the years to allow the sadness to come in, face it, and conquer it.  I believe God takes me through this process during this particular time every year.  It is the season which leads up into holidays and busyness.  I have learned not to dread this time, but acknowledge it and grow from it.

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you;  he will never let the righteous fall.”-Psalm 56:22

THIS IS REAL-Depression and sadness is authentic and real.  I would be foolish and careless to try and portray my grief walk without these components.  When I feel the heaviness of these particular feelings pressing in on me, I have to draw closer to God.  He gives me the courage and confidence I need to work through my emotions.   It is not regularly quick and neat but in His perfect time.

I CAN RELATE-I did not ask for this responsibility, but God thinks differently.  I have tried over the years to “escape” from grief groups or being around those grieving.  When I engage with others in grief, I relive those first few hours after Scott died.  I am reminded of what it feels like when you suddenly lose someone, the aching and burning in my stomach and the sobs emitting from the back of my throat.   I have learned this is empathy; the true, raw, power of sorrow.  What a privilege for God to use me as a sign of hope for someone experiencing a new loss.

EYE ON THE PRIZE-My grief journey continues to prepare me for my ultimate goal-eternity.  I am constantly reminded the here and now is a fleeting blip on the radar of life.  But what I accomplish here now will prepare me for my everlasting home in heaven with Jesus.  It is difficult to continue focusing on something which is not seen.  I am encouraged daily with my bible time, journaling, serving others, and my conversations with God.

“ I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”-Psalm 121:1-2

I love this time of year, the changing of seasons, football, holidays, and the wrap up of another year.  I also face many memories and the sadness of the loss of loved ones during this time.  It is all about the harmony between the joy and the sorrow.  I thank God for the ability to experience and balance all of it.  In turn, I hope to show others it is okay to be sad and miss our loved ones.  But there is a time to be joyful for all the blessings God brings us.  Until the day we are united in heaven with Him and all those who have gone before us.

5 thoughts on “Grief Balance

  1. Wow, Kelsey, this is beautiful.
    My favorite part, I think, is where you say “I did not ask for this responsibility, but God thinks differently.” Somehow, that has the power to change my perspective on hardship. If my loving Lord has seen fit to give me this kind of responsibility, then it must be an honor, despite how it feels. We walk by faith and not by sight.
    Thank you for sharing… I will remember to pray for you over this season.💝
    Ann Kite

    Liked by 1 person

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